14 Funny One Liners Trending On Twitter 2017
1)ME: on a scale from 1 to 10, how kissable am I? be honest
CASHIER: sir, please just insert your card into the chip reader
2)My boss has 3 drinks and it’s a business lunch. I do it hiding in the ladies room and suddenly it’s “a reflection on my personal record.”
3)Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
4)None of my friends laugh at any of my jokes because cats can only
5)after lengthy reflection, I’ve concluded that having kids wasn’t worth the seven times my son took out the garbage for me.
6)[at the gym]
Me: what does this machine do?
“Sir, that’s a bench.”
7)If you spill mustard on your clothes, tell everyone you were holding a baby.
No one likes a slob, but everyone loves babies
8)I’ve narrowed it down.
Getting up was where I went wrong today.
9)Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing.
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions.
The marriage felt like a sentence.
10)My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right.
Until they’re out of earshot.
11)2 + 2 = 4
Women: 2 X 7 = 14 – 3 = 11 X 3 = 33 – 23 = 10/2 = 5 – 1 = 4
12)The best time to try to reason with a drunk person is when they pass
13)The longer I stay at home, the more homeless I look.
14)The fact that the shampoo and conditioner aisle is the longest in the store tells you everything you need to know about women.